Vanity!

I almost lost all my blogs on Yahoo 360’ last week. I had not checked my yahoo mails, and hence the notification, that it was getting closed down. I had not taken the back up.

Yahoo 360’ contained my earlier blogs, before the blogspot. It was meant for my eyes only. Not that, it had private details, but just that I had not trusted the webworld with my personal life details then. It contained musings of my tete-a-tete with strangers I met on the way/friends/colleagues. Since I have a memory which I never trust and a history of losing diaries/stuffs, I had believed that something on the web will be ‘forever’ and never lost.

That got shattered that day. Nothing, absolutely nothing in this world can be ‘forever’. (PS: I did get hold of all my blog script. Thank God!)

I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and, behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit.Ecclesiastes 1:14

Vision

'Wow, how beautiful our flooring is!' exclaimed my mom yesterday. I looked at her strangely. We have been in the same house for 9 years now. What’s so special now? She continued with similar statements on everything she eyed on,- curtains/dresses/bro’s painting/book covers. It was weird.

She had had her eye ( cataract) surgery last week and ever since her eyes had healed, she has been ending all her sentences with exclamations. She is so very excited at everything around her and closes her right and left eye alternatively, to see the magnitude of difference the operated eye can make. It had made me and my bro, consider having our eyes checked!

It is kinda strange. It is the same eye. Same things. But what a difference the removal of cataract had made. Ought to have my eyes checked. In the way I see people/things and situation!

II Kings 6:17 And Elisha prayed, "O LORD, open his eyes so he may see." Then the LORD opened the servant's eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.

Psalms 119:18 Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in your law

Forgive and forget.

If you had known me personally ( or professionally) you would have known, how good my memory serves. I forget names, dates, places, faces, numbers so quickly that I don't even care anymore to ask for it, coz I know I wont remember. It is real bad, when I forget close friends names or their birthdays. It has gotten so worse, that the other day I stopped mid sentence, while talking to Finance HR. My mind went blank and I stared at him. Why am I here, and what was it that I was talking about??

I have had lot of embarassing moments. so you can very well understand my hatred for my memory. But lately, I have been happy about it. Well, the reason is, as I can't remember, I don't remember any bad things. That includes, any past hurt, anger, fights, or any heartbreaks. So I have no enemies. :P

But there is a small catch to it, and I guess, that's why I cannot remember a single bad thing in my life. My 11th std teacher insisted that 'forgiveness' always comes before forgetting. The phrase 'Forgive and forget' comes in the same order, and never viceversa. That got rooted I guess, so the sooner I forgive, bounce and move away from it, all that remains is good old memories! :)

But here's the best lesson I learnt from a friend, who told the difference between 'forget' and ' remember no more'. The former happens by mistake, and the latter is deliberate effort not to remember.

"For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more" Hebrews 8:12

"Burnt chicken"

That was a comment made by my close friend/collegue. We were in a really bad situation. Things were going awry, from bad to worse, and we had no say. Everything was happening quickly and in the wrong direction. The team was becoming the scapegoat.

I told my friend, that we were facing the heat, but we will come out as gold refined in fire. He replied, 'Beulah, do you know what happens to chicken if it is put in too much of heat?'. We laughed. This was 2 years back. I wouldn't say it was a happy ending, but definitely we dint get burnt.

Its the toughest, when you are on fire, when there is no possible wayout, and nothing solid to hold on to. But the only comfort is that, the one who is holding you in fire, is watching over you intently, without slumber. Afterall, it is his apple of the eye, who is on fire!

Deserving Nothing...

This is controversial. I still have not come to terms with it completely.

In life, it is normal to raise our voice to ask or question, make a plan, fight for our rights, strive for what we believe in. For what we deserve. Be it our right,a job, education, house, a car, or a cell phone, or a proper attire! At work, it is my seniority, my experience, my role. At home, it is just being me, deserves all I have.I deserve to be loved, understood, to be respected, to be accepted.... The list is endless.

But did/do I deserve a loving family, good brothers, a happy childhood, a good education, a good neighbourhood, a not so problematic state, country, good friends, good health (good eyesight, a functioning heart, walking legs.....) , a good job, a roof over my head and all that I have ? Do I deserve all I have, and more?

My answer to the above question, is I realise a blunt NO, as I see our maid walk in, she is my age too. And so here's the ghastly truth. I deserve nothing. Absolutely nothing. It is only by the pure grace of God, I am what I am.

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. ....—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me. 1 Corinthians 15:10

Feelings

I learnt this lesson when I was 13. It was a girls camp, with the sunsetting on the beach, we huddled togethar, listening to Uncle Herbert as he taught us an important aspect of life.

'Don't trust your feelings', he said. Never, ever! 'Especialy for girls', he added. I am feeling sick, I am feeling tired, I am feeling sleepy. Remove 'feel' from the previous sentence. It makes proper sense.

Makes a lot of sense, coz feelings are not true. They play us around. They fool us into believing that, it is true. Its easy to be all tangled up, tied and cornered by our own feelings. Feelings of anger, hatred, jealousy, pain, just lock us up in a box, blocking us from going ahead, growing high and above.

At times, it is important to move ahead, inspite of all odd situations, inspite of what people say, and even what we feel. Faith sees beyond the obvious. Feelings mislead.

"We live by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7
Guard your heart. Prov 4.3.

Thrill

I love my bike and as I sit on it, and let the engine reverbate, I feel the power, the energy of something wild and strong under me, under my power, waiting to be unleashed. The smoothness of it, as it glides with vrooom, vrooooom all under the twist of my palm, as it accelarates, the thumping is glorious.


Thrill kills. It is a thin line.The wind blowing on your face. The hair fluttering in the wind. The buzzing of the wind on your ear. The tears dripping of your eyes coz of the speed. It gets the better of you and you zwing, zwang, and get past vehicles in a zap, and it becomes a joy ride in jiffy.

I now understand, what Eve must have felt in the garden. The thrill of it. Harmless for sure, but at what cost?

Taking the backseat...

Zzzzz.. That's how my friend slept, on that long drive in the back seat. I don't think any of us knew the venue, where we were heading, except Mike and Beth. It was a long journey.

Rolando was sleeping like a baby. He dint care, if Mike was taking the correct route. He wasn't worried if we may get lost. He wasn't anxious that we may run out of fuel. Or worried if Mike would skip a signal, or drive rashly. Nor was he scared he would get kidnapped ( Rolando is a kid at heart! ;) ) He wasn't even afraid of any drunkard on road, hitting our car. He slept soundly.

I learnt a lot about 'TRUST' that day. AND, the difference in being driver's seat, or the seat next to it and at the back seat. Where are you seated now? Where do you like to be?

Mark 4: 37, 38a 37A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. 38Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion.

The Green eyed monster!

I have never been envious in my life so far. Not on anyone/anything. I just brush it off. Or so, I thought.

I got bowled over last week. I had such jealousy, that it boiled and made me bitter all over. I was spilling it over on my looks, my words, my thoughts, and so on my actions, and what not! I feel embarassed to accept it, and even to share it, but it has just humbled me and made me realise, I am so easily susceptible to envy/anger/hatred. Its just under my nose!

It all started when I reached home, after 4 months. I had loads of stories to tell, and no one was ready to listen. My favorite name, was used else where. You may find it irritating, but that's the truth. I was mad at my 10mth old nephew, Adam. A Superman, by nature weighing 13.5 kg and so very adorable and cute, that he captures everyone's heart and basks in the limelight.

I still find it hard. It is a biting truth that humbles me to surrender my 'self' every moment on the cross and take a dip in his love or risk Meulah growing into a monster in a jiffy!

Getting into the groove...

Disclaimer: This is a personal note, just for me. It contains minor stuff, which are silly. So plz skip it.

I hate change with all my heart. But in 4months, I have had a rollercoaster ride, in all aspects, and I have enjoyed it. Now, as I un-learn lot of things, to get back to my old normal life, I look back to see what I saw different ..physically, emotionally, spiritually.... Here I go!

Getting back to an(my) apmt with no furniture, no bed, and no tv, no one to talk to, but fastest internet, I've ever seen. Drinking water from the tap. Wearing socks and shoes everywhere. Eating with fork( No spoon!). Milk from a bottle. Tea/rice/pappad from the microwave. Coke, with a glass full of ice. No water, but just tissues in the lu. Tubs and no buckets. Freeway, lanes, complex bridges,rules followed to the book. No one to talk to, in my own native tongue. Unlimited cool drinks in all restaurants. Food that would cost to treat for the entire family, you have on yr plate. Everyone smiles. In the parking lot, in the elevator, in the park! Walk in the park next to my apmt. The walk over the road, on a single trail bridge. The bright sunny day,yet with the cold shivering wind. You never sweat. Wild flowers by the roadside. Cars that are so comfy. ( I was shocked to see our car, back home. It seems shrunken!!). Walgreen, Kroger, Walmart, Target- just seem to have everything under the sun. Ice tea, pizzas,burgers, hot dogs,cream, cheese, chips,meat, salads are so common. The long walk to the church in 40F (4 deg C). The hugs. The no -hunt for a seat in a packed church. Shirts and pants -loved it!. Hair let loose( Cousin itt), and never braided....You drive everywhere. No bus, no train, no powercut, no dust, clean air, clean roads , no messy traffic jams, no crowded trains/buses... no flowers on hair..there are many more....

The only one that never changed was my God. He was/is the same.