Chapter 3

Me a mother, ha! In your dreams.   Mothers are special. The magic of unconditional love flows automatically from them. I wasn’t sure, I was made of that material.  I asked the nurse thrice, if she was sure, the test was positive. She was surprised at my tone J So it was exciting.  A new life inside me?

The changes soon started happening.  I have never given much thought to my physical body, so it was pretty strange when one by one, I started feeling and noticing the differences.  It made me more feminine I think. It is an experience, which I have never felt before. As months passed, and when people noticed, it becomes increasingly clear, that yes am a mother… and am feeding the baby through me.

I have always felt anger, when people said, motherhood, is what a woman is made for- a woman’s ultimate fulfillment.  What about nuns. What about those who could not beget children?  Well, I don’t think they have anything against them. But what is amazing about motherhood, is that it switches on like a switch, and those hormones, glands, nerves, and organs seem to turn on and act differently. The transformation is automatic and unbelievable!  You get aches and pains, which you never had before, and your belly just grows..Right from skin, everything transforms.  It is weird and strange.  Magic? Miracle?  It is even, more awkward to realize that you have living being inside of you.  Carrying a baby by hand is different, but having it deep inside your skin? Well, I am sorry for creating such a hype over this. But it does feel like alien walking around with a life inside of you- moving, breathing, kicking and living inside.

Our God is so awesome! I stand speechless before our creator!

Chapter 2

Just like all the novels I have read, I thought wedding, would mean addition of a character in your life. Perhaps 1 more family into yours.  Having had a wide range of friends in Chapter 1, Chapter 2 did not seem intimidating.   I was wrong. It was a complete 180 degree turn.  Life seemed so simple earlier. I wondered what I got myself into. It was interesting though. And mighty challenging.  It was like being roasted on the furnace, to be purified in word, thought and deed.

Did you really mean unconditional love at the altar? Can you really love as Jesus did? No grudge, no hurt or hate, but lovingly can you handle everything? I thank God, for my soft natured guy.  We are poles apart. He is North pole and I am south.  I can probably count the similarities between us.  This has made it even more interesting. I had 2 requests to God. One, that he would be so much in love with God, than me.  That was granted. Two. For someone who has never fallen in love, marriage was daunting. So I had prayed, that I would fall in love- head over heels with the guy I marry.  That was granted too. I keep telling him, that he discovered me. My feminity, my inner self, my wants and needs more than I ever knew!  It was scary, but pretty crazy.

Marriage is hardwork. I learnt that.  You have to work hard at it. It is so much easy to do things your way, to think just about you, but a lot of work to think about the other person.  But there is joy and fulfillment along the way. Whenever I think, I have learnt the gist of marriage life, I seem to learn it all over again, from square 1.  I guess life is a ‘Snake and Ladder’ game afterall!

Balllooon

I love balloons! Blowing them, holding them, releasing them, scratching them, pressing them so hard to pop them. I have watched Tom and Jerry blow up like balloons in the air, and have laughed it all out.

But never have I thought that I would be like a balloon.Blown up, blowing up... There are differences though. No sound when you scratch them, and ofcourse you can't pop them up out.  My belly is the size of a football now. No wonder, people stare at it. That's the first thing they look at. Its embarrassing, but I have got used to it now. Am carrying my baby in my belly, what more could I want. I can't imagine, there are 2 lil pairs of eyes, ears, hands and legs, stretching, and boxing inside me.   I wonder what trouble I gave my mom!

So my blooming belly, is yet to grow another football size.. I have to be extra cautious getting up, sitting down, walking, climbing stairs, sleeping, almost everything. No wonder mothers, have a special attachment towards their children. It is imbibed into all your thoughts and movements.. and I am hoping that motherly instinct kicks in soon.

I have only 3 more months to go. That is kinda sad. No more can I flaunt around my ballooony belly.  No more can I feel the baby inside me. I hate separation :(

Peculiar

I remember my friend who shared,that she cried the day before her delivery. I wondered if it was out of fear. But she wasn't. She had so bonded with the unborn baby in her belly, that the thought of being separated after birth was haunting.

That's crazy, I thought. I had thought pregnant woment, are just ready to get it over with. You lose your shape, your lifestyle, you can't eat, all that you want to, you can's sleep in whichever position you want to. You can't travel, climb, run, goof around like you used to. Not to mention the heavy weight you carry around, and people staring at you and your belly all the time , along with the throw ups, kicks, and heart burns, that you just can't seem to get over with.

But now that I have carried my lil alien for 5 months, I sure like carrying him around..[This statement may change? in the coming months?] But as of now, he/she is no trouble! No diapers needed, no crying,  I can carry my baby to any and all important meeting I attend in office. I can go to my office, go shopping,  go anywhere I want to without worrying about carrying the baby externaly. Isn't that cool? 

To imagine, the baby inside my body, is pretty amazing and funny too! Can you imagine 10cm uterus, growing/stretching 40 times more? I read, that it stretches to nearly the size of 2 footballs just before the birth! Oh boy!!  There are other strange stuffs too. Like the linea negra, the tap, tap of the belly, the weight I am putting on each day.

I can't stop thanking God! Its a wonderful feeling... pretty strange... and I know, its going to go away soon.. So till then, Lord, help me to enjoy it :)

Have u been kicked?

Three months ago, I wouldn't have appreciated that question. But that day was different. It was Tueday evening, the day before the Independence day. Most importantly a holiday. Many left early that day, and I was rearing to go. I had someone in my desk. That's when I felt a tap. TAP,TAP... TAP, TAP.  I paused mid-sentence of whatever I was talking and then continued. I quickly finished the meeting, and touched my belly.. Was it really?

I was excited.. the tapping stopped short however.  I felt it again the same day, several times infact. It is weird, crazy and funny feeling.  The effect of seeing many alien movies, comes to my mind. I remember my second scan, when the doc, pointed to the screen and said, there is the eye, the fingers, the legs, and the hand... I was like, are you serious? 1. It was black and white. 2. I could hardly make out anything that the doc said. Nevertheless, that was my lil baby.. Just getting formed.

I have drastically changed.  My bro got two pretty kurti's from FabIndia- XS size, and I fit into it so snugly (6 mths ago).. made me look nice and tall.  I no longer fit into S, M, L these days! XL is comfortable. XXL is much too comfortable... and it is just 5th month.  I wrote to my friend, that my cheeks are like donuts..  My engagement ring, doesn't fit anymore..  My belly is like a balloon... Oh it is all so funny... The changes that happen 'in' me. Being tomboyish all these years, I don't think, I have given any thought to how I am. Now the flurry of things happening do excite me.

Oh I pity men.  For the first time in my life, I am really really happy that am a girl,.. ahem a women.. a mother..  and not a man. It is complicated. quite complicated, but to know, that a guy can't feel or understand it, makes me more proud!! hahaha

Psalms 139: 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book     before one of them came to be.

The unexpected...

I never wanted it to happen again. Not that day, not ever, not to another loved one, not the same thing! It was like a repeat telecast.  History happening again. Same events, same things.

It was inevitable I guess, and you can't deny it. But there it was.. rekindling the same emotion, the pain, the desperateness. So when it happened, we were unprepared.  The so many 'if only', ' i wish', 'how could' repeatedly going on in your mind.

But again, the grace of God surrounds you, and carries you through, to see the impossible. To float instead of hitting the hard ground of reality. My father in law passed away on 3rd August. He was very weak, and only later did I really come to know that it was the same thing that had consumed my mother. Spread over all his body, nowonder he was so weak.

A pretty authoritative person, demanding, yet such caring and love that I received unconditionally, that made me make myself at home, who treated me like a daughter is no more around. It is hard, that my lil one, will never get to see this wonderful personality, but I am glad I got to meet him, and relish his love, this past less than a year.

Yes, we'll get to meet one day.  I am again thankful for the wonderful hope and trust we have in our Lord, that we all will live eternity together.

2 in 1

Am 2 in 1 now. As funny and weird, it may sound, it feels too good to be true. But its true. Praise God, for isn't that amazing - an absolute miracle?!

  The 2 become 1 in marriage, but more than that I feel it literally holds good, when you have a baby inside you. A new life, a new being forming, growing inside of you!

I can't button any of my shirts. None of my pants fit.  I am bulging even in my oversized old clothes. My cheeks are like doughnuts. I am round in shape. It has just been 4 months and already none of my clothes fit me.

Now I know, why/how mothers get over protective of their kids. It starts from the belly. You take extra care in walking. No running.  You are careful not to hit any sharp objects. Too careful, while crossing the road. Cautious while eating. No bending. No sudden moves. Even while sleeping!

But I think, it is pretty easy carrying baby inside of you. Rather than outside.  You take him/her to work, to the shop,  almost everywhere. No need to feed, clean or make him/her sleep.  He/she is within you!

and today of all my birthdays, I feel extra special. Coz I am 2 in 1.  I can never be like this again. Atleast not with this baby :) my bro's wish makes me smile. '(Wishing you happiest BIRTHDAY! It is a great one as you are going to be mother as well as creating birthdays for new creation )'


And you know what? You can't see the baby now. Nor do I feel the baby yet. Not yet. But I know, he/she is inside of me. And this reminds me of my faith in God.  I don't feel him too. But I know that He is within me.  He teaches me, loves me, protects me, corrects me and understands me!



God's Spirit dwells in you 1 Corinthians 3:16
Christ is in you Romans 8:10
Christ in you Colossians 1:27

My Special Day!

My mom used to laugh at all the hype I created even 1 month before my birthday.  I must have been 6 or 7 year old then, our milkman, postman, vegetable vendor, housemaid everyone got to know that it was my bday on Aug 2nd.  Dad being in ministry, always had lot of visitors at home.  My excitement was overwhelming, that I was telling everyone that my bday was coming soon. When they exclaimed that it was still June or July,  and I always replied, that it was soon going to be August! Being the youngest and pampered, I guess I have always been like that, even after growing up so big.  My mom always wondered what hype I would create for my wedding!  She felt I was too excited for my birthday, as if it was a great big wedding celebration!

I am not sure, if I wanted to grow older or taller…. Not that we got gifts for birthdays. It was the usual big hug from my mom, and real good kiss.  If dad was there, I got it from him too. Apart from that, mom got me a frock ( 1 of the 4 new dresses I got every year- Other being for Christmas, Newyear and Easter). I don’t remember getting any toys for Bday.  It was never a big celebration either, but we always had the brown cake to cut and the birthday song sang [ Mom sings 4 stanzas] and a nice prayer. But the excitement never ended that day, coz my dad’s birthday was on August 3rd.  Most of the time,  our birthdays were clubbed together, as dad often was out of town.

Today is one such special day! I feel really embarrassed and ashamed, coz I have such a bad memory, that I can’t really remember any dates and associate them with my friends’, family’s bday.  Not one.  But yet, they remember me on my birthday, and make me feel so special. I do try to remember and invariably forget it soon enough.  I feel really blessed, honored and humbled by their love and affection and am so thankful to God,  for all the friends and family I have, who make this special every year.

My brother sent me this beautiful birthday message. "The Shepherd created you extra special, and we're so glad he did!  Happy Birthday! "
'The Lord your God has chosen you .... to be his own special treasure' Deuteronomy 14:2 .

I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart;  I will tell of all your wonderful deeds. 2 I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing the praises of your name, O Most High. Psalms 9:1,2

I love my mommy!

My mom was my best friend. She knew all about me, and we talked, laughed, and discussed about everything under the sun.   But now I realize, we dint talk about many things. Now I have a list of questions to ask, had she been around, I would have bombarded her with my queries.  I wonder how she would have answered. Her point of view. What she thought about things.  How she handled, reacted to situations.  What she would warn me about. What her guidance would be..


Looking back, I realize she has taught me a lot. She taught me to smile always. To be positive and trusting God in each and every situation.  She taught me to forgive people instantly and forget the bad things. Not to make fun of anyone. To be happy in any situation. To respect others.  To be honest. To enjoy each other fully.  And I take great pride, when people tell me, that I resemble my mom. Isn't that something?


But will I be a good one like my mother? I seriously doubt.  I hope and pray that God helps me to be one! 

Stealing friends!

My brother does that.  Many of my friends, school and college and workplace, have turned out to be good friends of his!   He not only stole my friend, but my elder brother’s friends as well.  It feels so awkward, to be in the sidelines.

But I guess, that’s how we should be. Not in the limelight, or at the center, but in the sidelines, to let the Master take over. How often do I like that?