Forgive and forget.

If you had known me personally ( or professionally) you would have known, how good my memory serves. I forget names, dates, places, faces, numbers so quickly that I don't even care anymore to ask for it, coz I know I wont remember. It is real bad, when I forget close friends names or their birthdays. It has gotten so worse, that the other day I stopped mid sentence, while talking to Finance HR. My mind went blank and I stared at him. Why am I here, and what was it that I was talking about??

I have had lot of embarassing moments. so you can very well understand my hatred for my memory. But lately, I have been happy about it. Well, the reason is, as I can't remember, I don't remember any bad things. That includes, any past hurt, anger, fights, or any heartbreaks. So I have no enemies. :P

But there is a small catch to it, and I guess, that's why I cannot remember a single bad thing in my life. My 11th std teacher insisted that 'forgiveness' always comes before forgetting. The phrase 'Forgive and forget' comes in the same order, and never viceversa. That got rooted I guess, so the sooner I forgive, bounce and move away from it, all that remains is good old memories! :)

But here's the best lesson I learnt from a friend, who told the difference between 'forget' and ' remember no more'. The former happens by mistake, and the latter is deliberate effort not to remember.

"For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more" Hebrews 8:12

"Burnt chicken"

That was a comment made by my close friend/collegue. We were in a really bad situation. Things were going awry, from bad to worse, and we had no say. Everything was happening quickly and in the wrong direction. The team was becoming the scapegoat.

I told my friend, that we were facing the heat, but we will come out as gold refined in fire. He replied, 'Beulah, do you know what happens to chicken if it is put in too much of heat?'. We laughed. This was 2 years back. I wouldn't say it was a happy ending, but definitely we dint get burnt.

Its the toughest, when you are on fire, when there is no possible wayout, and nothing solid to hold on to. But the only comfort is that, the one who is holding you in fire, is watching over you intently, without slumber. Afterall, it is his apple of the eye, who is on fire!

Deserving Nothing...

This is controversial. I still have not come to terms with it completely.

In life, it is normal to raise our voice to ask or question, make a plan, fight for our rights, strive for what we believe in. For what we deserve. Be it our right,a job, education, house, a car, or a cell phone, or a proper attire! At work, it is my seniority, my experience, my role. At home, it is just being me, deserves all I have.I deserve to be loved, understood, to be respected, to be accepted.... The list is endless.

But did/do I deserve a loving family, good brothers, a happy childhood, a good education, a good neighbourhood, a not so problematic state, country, good friends, good health (good eyesight, a functioning heart, walking legs.....) , a good job, a roof over my head and all that I have ? Do I deserve all I have, and more?

My answer to the above question, is I realise a blunt NO, as I see our maid walk in, she is my age too. And so here's the ghastly truth. I deserve nothing. Absolutely nothing. It is only by the pure grace of God, I am what I am.

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. ....—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me. 1 Corinthians 15:10

Feelings

I learnt this lesson when I was 13. It was a girls camp, with the sunsetting on the beach, we huddled togethar, listening to Uncle Herbert as he taught us an important aspect of life.

'Don't trust your feelings', he said. Never, ever! 'Especialy for girls', he added. I am feeling sick, I am feeling tired, I am feeling sleepy. Remove 'feel' from the previous sentence. It makes proper sense.

Makes a lot of sense, coz feelings are not true. They play us around. They fool us into believing that, it is true. Its easy to be all tangled up, tied and cornered by our own feelings. Feelings of anger, hatred, jealousy, pain, just lock us up in a box, blocking us from going ahead, growing high and above.

At times, it is important to move ahead, inspite of all odd situations, inspite of what people say, and even what we feel. Faith sees beyond the obvious. Feelings mislead.

"We live by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7
Guard your heart. Prov 4.3.

Thrill

I love my bike and as I sit on it, and let the engine reverbate, I feel the power, the energy of something wild and strong under me, under my power, waiting to be unleashed. The smoothness of it, as it glides with vrooom, vrooooom all under the twist of my palm, as it accelarates, the thumping is glorious.


Thrill kills. It is a thin line.The wind blowing on your face. The hair fluttering in the wind. The buzzing of the wind on your ear. The tears dripping of your eyes coz of the speed. It gets the better of you and you zwing, zwang, and get past vehicles in a zap, and it becomes a joy ride in jiffy.

I now understand, what Eve must have felt in the garden. The thrill of it. Harmless for sure, but at what cost?