Just once more...

The last line of Mom's epitaph reads "Jesus died and rose again, So will we!" If I don't believe this, I have no hope. If I don't believe in eternal life after death, I need not read Bible. She's not 'gone'. But she's next door*; She has left to her home, just like, how I leave office, to reach home.

Yet, I have this overwhelming wave over me every now and then,

I miss Mom's tasty dishes,
I wish I remember all her recipes.

I miss Mom's kisses everyday;
I wish I can hug her one more time.

I miss Mom's smell/voice at home;
I wish I can wipe my face in her saree.

I miss Mom's scoldings;
I wish I understood her better.

I miss Mom's pretty smile;
I wish I can see her laugh and giggle.

I miss Mom's stories;
I wish I learnt all the songs she sang.

I miss holding Mom's hand.
I wish I can lie on her lap, just one more time.

I miss Mom's goodnight;
I wish I wake up to see her next to me.

As I long and struggle forward, I re read what a friend wrote to me.
“You can shed tears that she is gone;
or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back;
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her;
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday;
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone;
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,be empty and turn your back;
Or you can do what she'd want:smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

I can long and struggle trudging forward;
Or I can enjoy trusting, and practising what I believe in.

It's not the emotional self control, that will take me through. But the strength that He gives me in hugging me every single day to see me through.

Psalms 84 : 7, 5
7 They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion.
5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
*Next door. If she's in the next room, I can't see her, but she's there, ain't it?

Note to a friend

Rummaging through my room, found this old note, a copy that I had actualy written to a co-worker on her bday card. ( dated back in 2003)

Dear Valarmathi,
In all you do put God first, He will direct you and crown your efforts with success. Proverbs 3: 6.

Let Him have all your worries and cares, for He is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you. I Peter 5:7.

For He understands us and knows what is best for us at all times. Ephesians 1:8b.

That is why we can say without any doubt or fear, 'The Lord is my helper and I am not afraid of ANYTHING that mere man can do to me. Hebrews 13:6.

God bless you on this new year!

With love and prayers,
beul

Counting...

3 fishes in our fish tank ( aquarium) died one after the other on 3 consecutive days - just the week after mom left us. She often used to complain, that none of us fed the fishes as regularly as her. We did try. The next morning, I rushed to our fish tank and counted the number of fishes. Thank God nothing was floating. It became a habit from that day onward.

Last week, two, 2 year old gold fishes died for no reason. Mom's favorite fairy tailed fishes. May be they missed mom badly as us. I have decided not to count them every morning. What am I trying to do? Count and keep them alive?

How long do you think, you and I can live on this earth? Max 100 years? I can see you laughing. Ok, max 50 or 40 years? Well, how best can I leave this earth? Enoch, and Elijah of the Bible are the only ones I knew who were taken away to heaven 'jst like that'. Other than that, what are the other ways of reaching the other side? Quick as in an accident? Or slow as in a sickness? Sounds bleak. But that’s the reality. It’s no use thinking about that, but to enjoy each and every day of what we got and make it worthwhile.

Psalms 90:12 Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom

Difference?

"Come soon. We are waiting". "Are you coming?" Is there a difference between the two sentences? Yes, the tone, and the situation in which it is told does matter too. In the internet world, how about this. " hi" and "Hi! :) " See the difference? I've realised, that of all the things, one's mood is contagious. Meaning, I can spread boredom or energy. Irritation or excitement. Indifference or belonging. Poison or be a medicine in any relationship. Mom used to say about my face being a Coffee pot or a Tea pot.

In 2002, I had been to Gangaram, a popular book store in Bangalore with my friend. I don't remember what we picked, but all I remember is as I stood near the cash counter, the cashier, a 40-50 year old, looked at me and said, 'You have a beautiful smile'. You bet I was smiling the rest of the day and beaming the entire week! Even now, when I remember that incident, I can't help smiling, what a complete stranger can do to lift up my spirits even after all these years!

Acts 14:2 Poisoning of minds
Colossians 4: 6aLet your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt
1 Thess 4:11Therefore encourage one another and build each other up.

Comparison.. <>!

I have 2 naughty brats as nephew. However hard I try not to, I endup comparing their behaviour either good or bad. I have 3 brothers, and not even once have I heard my mom compare them. I haven't seen her compare anything/anyone for that matter. Be it in cleaniness, behaviour, studies, friends, relatives, our house, neighbours, our pets, our vehicle, our way of living, anything.

In this world where everything is relative, Logical, physical or emotional, its a wonder how she had no 'greater than', 'lesser than', 'shorter than', 'better than' or any superlative. I think it shows the strength of character. To see above the obvious and to treat everything/everyone unique, and with respect and accept them as they are.

When would I learn that?!

2 Corinthians 2 : 12a " When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise. "
17 "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord"

A Curse.

At church today, I saw a 3 year old kid, falling on him mom, hugging and kissing her left, right and center. It was so beautiful. But I wonder, after 20 years, will he sit by her, will he atleast hold her hands? Weird..

Oct 1st was Elder's day, and our church message revolved around that. HONOUR them, LEARN from them, and KEEP them happy. I learnt that it was a curse, not to have an elderly person at home! ( 1 Samuel 2: 31 ) Weird!

I guess parents are the only ones on earth we take for most granted. Their unconditional love. But it includes our aunts, uncles, in-laws as well. Weird.

I know many good friends, who stay far from home. They cook so well now, that they can entertain their friends with a feast! But have they ever entered kitchen, and helped their mamma? I also have friends, who have quit their job, to take care of their parents.

Elders sure turn into babies. They cant walk much, talk much, eat much,see or hear much. They cannot be still, neither can they understand us nor our world.Weird.

May God open our eyes, to see the value of our elders in our life. Lets HONOR them. Lets cherish them.

Exodus 20:12 'Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you '

Wise words

'No matter how much you earn, you can eat only 2 idlies. You can't eat 10 idlies, if you earn 10,000 a day. Can you? '

'All I ask of God is to help me live a pure ( holy) life. For others, I pray for their salvation. I don't ask God, for my needs. I just fix my eyes on Him. He is my Heavenly Father. He knows. He provides'

'I love giving God, by spending less for myself. I reduce my needs and wants, and I give that saving to God, which gives me immense pleasure, than the regular 20% tithe, I give to the Lord.'

Wise? Oh yes, these words were from the doctor, who took care of mom past few months.

Death.

I know it is such a gloomy title, but I want all of us to just shake it off, for afterall it is inevitable.

I remember even as a kid, when dad is confronted about his daily medicines, irregular eating habits, frequent travel, he always says 'Vaazhlvadhu sila vaara kaalam'- meaning 'few more weeks to live'. He talks as a matter of fact, and the phrase has been a household phrase which stuck for years now.

May be that had prepared us enough last week, so as to know, that death is gonna take us nextdoor, to a heavenly place, full of joy, running around, dancing, and lot of singing. Just without any pain, food, hardship. A more permanent place, than the present which is so temporary.

If that’s the case, am I ready? Ready to leave behind my friends, family. Have I told how much I love them, how much I appreciate their being in my life. Have I asked for forgiveness for my Meulah words/activities, have I reconciled with everyone. Have I obeyed my parents, elders? Have I taken care, cherished my family and friends? Have I used all my talents? Have I forgiven, Am I holding grudge or hurting anyone?

I am ready. Are you?