Different

Its been quite an experience from the beginning.  More so, towards the end.  Lot of self discoveries, surprises, just leaves me amazed at how it has come through so far.

And this December, has been the limelight. Christmas has been different. Each day with a newer expectation, of not knowing 'when' or 'how' has been exceedingly interesting. Everyone is eager and ready at home. Each phone calls, are more about the baby than the seasonal greetings.

You normally don't plan to be in a hospital ever in your life... and hence this has been quite different.. Any time now, I can go to the hospital.. I would have to stay 3- 5 days or more.  All the injection, the hospital bed, the pillows, the IV, the hospital gown. Looking forward to that-? definitely is strange.. But yes, am looking forward to see the alien, wriggling in my stomach for so long.. can't wait to see his/her eyes, touch the fingers, toes, and rub its nose with mine..

Am not looking forward, for sleepless nights, the pain, or the tiredness..  My 11 mth old niece wakes up at 4 AM everyday, and makes sure, everyone is up in the house.. Good bye to late morning sleeps, Good bye to do your own things. Good bye, to your own self. Good bye, to your plans, Good bye to your schedules. Someone else runs the household :)

Oh this is going to be a different Chapter 4!!

Stitching...

I remember a lil dress my mom showed me.  She said, she stitched it, when I was inside her womb. She had been eagerly waiting for a girl child.  The first 3 had been boys, and she wanted a girl badly.   My birth had been  magical. Dad named me before my birth. I was a promise from God, that Indians would follow Christ. Isaiah 62:4.

He even went to the extent of annoucing the birth, when I was just 2 mths inside my mom.  No one knew, mom was pregnant, and it was so embarrasing for mom, for dad announced it to a crowd of hundreds - an annual meeting at his workplace and moreover Mom was 40 then.  She was too old to be pregnant.. I can imagine how it would have been.

But she loved me.. she trusted that it was girl, just like my dad and she made me a pretty embroidered skirt, which I still have and have worn it on my doll :)

Well, I wanted to try one for my baby. My mom would be pleased.  Mom's best friend, she is 80 yrs old, has sent today a parcel of handstictched clothes for my baby. It was such a beautiful surprise. What my mom would have done, she had done.  She even left some paints and threads so that I can try my own. and by am I excited!  This is so interesting!

Left side

For reasons, not good for blood circulation, the  doc told me sleep on my sides.  The books insisted on left side, and I thought it was easy.

My mom always slept on my left, so I have been used to sleeping on my left from childhood, so no big deal i thought. Boy, was I wrong.  The left started aching. my shoulders , my torso, my thighs, the entire left side hurts so bad, that I was determined not to sleep one night!

I read Ezekial this morning, and its not the first time, I read the passage. But today, it was an eye opener.  Ezekial was made to sleep on the left side for 390 days bearing the sins of Israel.  390 days. Can you imagine that? I can't! and another 40 days to the right. and he couldn't turn like me. ( Ezekial 4: 4 onwards).

Guess, I have no reason to complain!

Baby decides!

So the Baby decides it all!  After the doctor's check up, I was more than curious. Anytime is daunting. With a cord around the neck the doctor said, the baby can move anyway, and you don't have a control. Pretty cool aint it. It decides what to do? Turn around, push or pull or tug the cord? Kind of funny.

But yes, as I read the verse ' from my mother's womb, you have been my God' Psalms 22:9, is pretty powerful. and God saying, I knew you from your mother's womb ( to Jeremiah) and ... I have set u apart! Pretty awesome!

The movement is so enjoyable. The slow movement, the hiccups, the wave, the thud thud, the push on one side of the belly. I wish the baby can stay inside some more time. I know, it is hard to walk, sleep or even more around, but still this experience that God has given me is glorious!  Thank you Father!

Mary's experience!

I know 25th Dec does not exactly mark the birth of Christ. It is just another day.. and as dad says, every day is Christmas.  But this season, the stars, the lights, and all the hype of the birth of Christmas got me thinking the other day about Mary.

It sure was a cold winter day, when Jesus was born. And Mary was expecting anytime! Mary had a big belly too! She had to travel a long way (Approx 155 kms!) on a donkey?? I am not sure, how I would have been  . With Joseph more a stranger than a husband. Carrying a baby- no doctors, no electricity, no hotels to stay. And the final climax, they end up in a cattle shed! More donkeys, cows and animals around. The midwife is Mr.Joseph. Its just too hard to imagine, and Mary survived it all with a happy face.. Boy that's brave!

So this December, has been quite different from all the ones, I have seen before in my life. I try to relate myself with Mary, and the events that unfolded. Complete submission, surrender. And my complaints rest still as I stand in awe of the greatest event in human history.  

The Creator of heaven and earth , humbles himself to be born/created inside a puny human, in such a humble setting. Just unbelievable! As I feel my belly move, I can't help but thank God for creating a lil one inside me, and every kick, just reminds me of how humble I have to be!

Pslams 22: 9,10
Yet you brought me out of the womb;
    you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast.
¹⁰ From birth I was cast on you;
    from my mother’s womb you have been my God.

Any time!

‘Any time’ had so far been a part of a optimistic word.. You can call me ‘anytime’ for help. Sounds very  ensuring, isn’t it?   

But now, after 35 th week, this word is creepy. You can expect the baby ‘ANYTIME’! Well what does that mean? Water, labor, blood, baby? Anytime, anywhere? 

‘The baby is now full grown, and is ready to be born’, the doctor said.  All the waiting, the anticipation has now come to a climax.  The countdown has begun. Its just days to the due date, and yet they say ‘ANYTIME’, making the climax real, intimidating!

But isn’t it exciting? I finaly get to see, what was moving in my belly.. lol. 2 little eyes, 1 lil nose and mouth. 2 little ears, and hands and legs.. well, well, well… aren’t all babies similar.. why am I hyping things off.. My big mouth has once said, that all babies- animals, birds, or even insects look cuter when they are young… I still do agree.. but this hype about my baby.. boy or girl, chubby or thin, eye lashes like sathish or me? Will it be a chatter box like me or silent like sathish?  Well, I have to wait and see..

All of this reminds me of, the other ‘anytime’ I have to be ready for.  If He’s gonna come tonite, am I ready? Am I ready anytime, to receive my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? The countdown has begun....

Squirmy wriggler

  That’s how it feels when my baby wriggles around.  Its like a wave, from one side of my belly, and then twist and the turn.  It is so funny, that it make you laugh at time, and so funny that it stops all of a sudden.  It is so involuntary, that it you are caught unaware. You can be in the middle of a serious meeting. Or eating or sleeping or travelling, and then the whole surfs up!

I still remember, how feeble the tap tap was, few months ago, and now this whole rush of movement, pulling my own skin- flesh, dancing and swimming around. I still can’t make out what part is where, but I can feel the push and pull and even see my belly move up and down.. haha.. isn’t it funny..The belly moving by itself? Up and down, sideways  and the knotty feeling inside as it twist and turns.  Its hard to imagine that my lil one is trying to stretch and wriggle in such a confined space. The belly button popped out and my belly is the size of 2 footballs, and walking at times is like wobbling like a huge hippopotamus. But I know its going to be shortlived, and I am enjoying every moment of it! Wow, Lord you are just amazing...  from a tiny spec to this? and there is much more! Incredible! 

Chapter 3

Me a mother, ha! In your dreams.   Mothers are special. The magic of unconditional love flows automatically from them. I wasn’t sure, I was made of that material.  I asked the nurse thrice, if she was sure, the test was positive. She was surprised at my tone J So it was exciting.  A new life inside me?

The changes soon started happening.  I have never given much thought to my physical body, so it was pretty strange when one by one, I started feeling and noticing the differences.  It made me more feminine I think. It is an experience, which I have never felt before. As months passed, and when people noticed, it becomes increasingly clear, that yes am a mother… and am feeding the baby through me.

I have always felt anger, when people said, motherhood, is what a woman is made for- a woman’s ultimate fulfillment.  What about nuns. What about those who could not beget children?  Well, I don’t think they have anything against them. But what is amazing about motherhood, is that it switches on like a switch, and those hormones, glands, nerves, and organs seem to turn on and act differently. The transformation is automatic and unbelievable!  You get aches and pains, which you never had before, and your belly just grows..Right from skin, everything transforms.  It is weird and strange.  Magic? Miracle?  It is even, more awkward to realize that you have living being inside of you.  Carrying a baby by hand is different, but having it deep inside your skin? Well, I am sorry for creating such a hype over this. But it does feel like alien walking around with a life inside of you- moving, breathing, kicking and living inside.

Our God is so awesome! I stand speechless before our creator!

Chapter 2

Just like all the novels I have read, I thought wedding, would mean addition of a character in your life. Perhaps 1 more family into yours.  Having had a wide range of friends in Chapter 1, Chapter 2 did not seem intimidating.   I was wrong. It was a complete 180 degree turn.  Life seemed so simple earlier. I wondered what I got myself into. It was interesting though. And mighty challenging.  It was like being roasted on the furnace, to be purified in word, thought and deed.

Did you really mean unconditional love at the altar? Can you really love as Jesus did? No grudge, no hurt or hate, but lovingly can you handle everything? I thank God, for my soft natured guy.  We are poles apart. He is North pole and I am south.  I can probably count the similarities between us.  This has made it even more interesting. I had 2 requests to God. One, that he would be so much in love with God, than me.  That was granted. Two. For someone who has never fallen in love, marriage was daunting. So I had prayed, that I would fall in love- head over heels with the guy I marry.  That was granted too. I keep telling him, that he discovered me. My feminity, my inner self, my wants and needs more than I ever knew!  It was scary, but pretty crazy.

Marriage is hardwork. I learnt that.  You have to work hard at it. It is so much easy to do things your way, to think just about you, but a lot of work to think about the other person.  But there is joy and fulfillment along the way. Whenever I think, I have learnt the gist of marriage life, I seem to learn it all over again, from square 1.  I guess life is a ‘Snake and Ladder’ game afterall!

Balllooon

I love balloons! Blowing them, holding them, releasing them, scratching them, pressing them so hard to pop them. I have watched Tom and Jerry blow up like balloons in the air, and have laughed it all out.

But never have I thought that I would be like a balloon.Blown up, blowing up... There are differences though. No sound when you scratch them, and ofcourse you can't pop them up out.  My belly is the size of a football now. No wonder, people stare at it. That's the first thing they look at. Its embarrassing, but I have got used to it now. Am carrying my baby in my belly, what more could I want. I can't imagine, there are 2 lil pairs of eyes, ears, hands and legs, stretching, and boxing inside me.   I wonder what trouble I gave my mom!

So my blooming belly, is yet to grow another football size.. I have to be extra cautious getting up, sitting down, walking, climbing stairs, sleeping, almost everything. No wonder mothers, have a special attachment towards their children. It is imbibed into all your thoughts and movements.. and I am hoping that motherly instinct kicks in soon.

I have only 3 more months to go. That is kinda sad. No more can I flaunt around my ballooony belly.  No more can I feel the baby inside me. I hate separation :(

Peculiar

I remember my friend who shared,that she cried the day before her delivery. I wondered if it was out of fear. But she wasn't. She had so bonded with the unborn baby in her belly, that the thought of being separated after birth was haunting.

That's crazy, I thought. I had thought pregnant woment, are just ready to get it over with. You lose your shape, your lifestyle, you can't eat, all that you want to, you can's sleep in whichever position you want to. You can't travel, climb, run, goof around like you used to. Not to mention the heavy weight you carry around, and people staring at you and your belly all the time , along with the throw ups, kicks, and heart burns, that you just can't seem to get over with.

But now that I have carried my lil alien for 5 months, I sure like carrying him around..[This statement may change? in the coming months?] But as of now, he/she is no trouble! No diapers needed, no crying,  I can carry my baby to any and all important meeting I attend in office. I can go to my office, go shopping,  go anywhere I want to without worrying about carrying the baby externaly. Isn't that cool? 

To imagine, the baby inside my body, is pretty amazing and funny too! Can you imagine 10cm uterus, growing/stretching 40 times more? I read, that it stretches to nearly the size of 2 footballs just before the birth! Oh boy!!  There are other strange stuffs too. Like the linea negra, the tap, tap of the belly, the weight I am putting on each day.

I can't stop thanking God! Its a wonderful feeling... pretty strange... and I know, its going to go away soon.. So till then, Lord, help me to enjoy it :)

Have u been kicked?

Three months ago, I wouldn't have appreciated that question. But that day was different. It was Tueday evening, the day before the Independence day. Most importantly a holiday. Many left early that day, and I was rearing to go. I had someone in my desk. That's when I felt a tap. TAP,TAP... TAP, TAP.  I paused mid-sentence of whatever I was talking and then continued. I quickly finished the meeting, and touched my belly.. Was it really?

I was excited.. the tapping stopped short however.  I felt it again the same day, several times infact. It is weird, crazy and funny feeling.  The effect of seeing many alien movies, comes to my mind. I remember my second scan, when the doc, pointed to the screen and said, there is the eye, the fingers, the legs, and the hand... I was like, are you serious? 1. It was black and white. 2. I could hardly make out anything that the doc said. Nevertheless, that was my lil baby.. Just getting formed.

I have drastically changed.  My bro got two pretty kurti's from FabIndia- XS size, and I fit into it so snugly (6 mths ago).. made me look nice and tall.  I no longer fit into S, M, L these days! XL is comfortable. XXL is much too comfortable... and it is just 5th month.  I wrote to my friend, that my cheeks are like donuts..  My engagement ring, doesn't fit anymore..  My belly is like a balloon... Oh it is all so funny... The changes that happen 'in' me. Being tomboyish all these years, I don't think, I have given any thought to how I am. Now the flurry of things happening do excite me.

Oh I pity men.  For the first time in my life, I am really really happy that am a girl,.. ahem a women.. a mother..  and not a man. It is complicated. quite complicated, but to know, that a guy can't feel or understand it, makes me more proud!! hahaha

Psalms 139: 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book     before one of them came to be.

The unexpected...

I never wanted it to happen again. Not that day, not ever, not to another loved one, not the same thing! It was like a repeat telecast.  History happening again. Same events, same things.

It was inevitable I guess, and you can't deny it. But there it was.. rekindling the same emotion, the pain, the desperateness. So when it happened, we were unprepared.  The so many 'if only', ' i wish', 'how could' repeatedly going on in your mind.

But again, the grace of God surrounds you, and carries you through, to see the impossible. To float instead of hitting the hard ground of reality. My father in law passed away on 3rd August. He was very weak, and only later did I really come to know that it was the same thing that had consumed my mother. Spread over all his body, nowonder he was so weak.

A pretty authoritative person, demanding, yet such caring and love that I received unconditionally, that made me make myself at home, who treated me like a daughter is no more around. It is hard, that my lil one, will never get to see this wonderful personality, but I am glad I got to meet him, and relish his love, this past less than a year.

Yes, we'll get to meet one day.  I am again thankful for the wonderful hope and trust we have in our Lord, that we all will live eternity together.

2 in 1

Am 2 in 1 now. As funny and weird, it may sound, it feels too good to be true. But its true. Praise God, for isn't that amazing - an absolute miracle?!

  The 2 become 1 in marriage, but more than that I feel it literally holds good, when you have a baby inside you. A new life, a new being forming, growing inside of you!

I can't button any of my shirts. None of my pants fit.  I am bulging even in my oversized old clothes. My cheeks are like doughnuts. I am round in shape. It has just been 4 months and already none of my clothes fit me.

Now I know, why/how mothers get over protective of their kids. It starts from the belly. You take extra care in walking. No running.  You are careful not to hit any sharp objects. Too careful, while crossing the road. Cautious while eating. No bending. No sudden moves. Even while sleeping!

But I think, it is pretty easy carrying baby inside of you. Rather than outside.  You take him/her to work, to the shop,  almost everywhere. No need to feed, clean or make him/her sleep.  He/she is within you!

and today of all my birthdays, I feel extra special. Coz I am 2 in 1.  I can never be like this again. Atleast not with this baby :) my bro's wish makes me smile. '(Wishing you happiest BIRTHDAY! It is a great one as you are going to be mother as well as creating birthdays for new creation )'


And you know what? You can't see the baby now. Nor do I feel the baby yet. Not yet. But I know, he/she is inside of me. And this reminds me of my faith in God.  I don't feel him too. But I know that He is within me.  He teaches me, loves me, protects me, corrects me and understands me!



God's Spirit dwells in you 1 Corinthians 3:16
Christ is in you Romans 8:10
Christ in you Colossians 1:27

My Special Day!

My mom used to laugh at all the hype I created even 1 month before my birthday.  I must have been 6 or 7 year old then, our milkman, postman, vegetable vendor, housemaid everyone got to know that it was my bday on Aug 2nd.  Dad being in ministry, always had lot of visitors at home.  My excitement was overwhelming, that I was telling everyone that my bday was coming soon. When they exclaimed that it was still June or July,  and I always replied, that it was soon going to be August! Being the youngest and pampered, I guess I have always been like that, even after growing up so big.  My mom always wondered what hype I would create for my wedding!  She felt I was too excited for my birthday, as if it was a great big wedding celebration!

I am not sure, if I wanted to grow older or taller…. Not that we got gifts for birthdays. It was the usual big hug from my mom, and real good kiss.  If dad was there, I got it from him too. Apart from that, mom got me a frock ( 1 of the 4 new dresses I got every year- Other being for Christmas, Newyear and Easter). I don’t remember getting any toys for Bday.  It was never a big celebration either, but we always had the brown cake to cut and the birthday song sang [ Mom sings 4 stanzas] and a nice prayer. But the excitement never ended that day, coz my dad’s birthday was on August 3rd.  Most of the time,  our birthdays were clubbed together, as dad often was out of town.

Today is one such special day! I feel really embarrassed and ashamed, coz I have such a bad memory, that I can’t really remember any dates and associate them with my friends’, family’s bday.  Not one.  But yet, they remember me on my birthday, and make me feel so special. I do try to remember and invariably forget it soon enough.  I feel really blessed, honored and humbled by their love and affection and am so thankful to God,  for all the friends and family I have, who make this special every year.

My brother sent me this beautiful birthday message. "The Shepherd created you extra special, and we're so glad he did!  Happy Birthday! "
'The Lord your God has chosen you .... to be his own special treasure' Deuteronomy 14:2 .

I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart;  I will tell of all your wonderful deeds. 2 I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing the praises of your name, O Most High. Psalms 9:1,2

I love my mommy!

My mom was my best friend. She knew all about me, and we talked, laughed, and discussed about everything under the sun.   But now I realize, we dint talk about many things. Now I have a list of questions to ask, had she been around, I would have bombarded her with my queries.  I wonder how she would have answered. Her point of view. What she thought about things.  How she handled, reacted to situations.  What she would warn me about. What her guidance would be..


Looking back, I realize she has taught me a lot. She taught me to smile always. To be positive and trusting God in each and every situation.  She taught me to forgive people instantly and forget the bad things. Not to make fun of anyone. To be happy in any situation. To respect others.  To be honest. To enjoy each other fully.  And I take great pride, when people tell me, that I resemble my mom. Isn't that something?


But will I be a good one like my mother? I seriously doubt.  I hope and pray that God helps me to be one! 

Stealing friends!

My brother does that.  Many of my friends, school and college and workplace, have turned out to be good friends of his!   He not only stole my friend, but my elder brother’s friends as well.  It feels so awkward, to be in the sidelines.

But I guess, that’s how we should be. Not in the limelight, or at the center, but in the sidelines, to let the Master take over. How often do I like that?

Fragrance

Its so easy to spread poison- just a drop is enuf.

A little thought. A small word. A little grimace.  And that's all that's required.

But spreading fragrance - needs much more than that. The Axe effect would last, only as long as  you keep spraying... To keep your minds tuned, synced up, and in constant practice.  Demands lot more effort, lot more thoughts, lot more words, lot more people, to keep you going. 

Childhood

I don't remember who, but some one said, that I had a 'wonderful way while growing up!' Looking back, I see how true it is.

Having such wonderful parents, I had such a gift that I need to thank God daily for. Mom was never in a bad mood. I have never seen her angry at dad. ( I wish she was there to teach me how!) She always had a smile for everyone. She voiced her thoughts easily ( Guess I got that in me :P) She was talented, wise, and patient.

I have the best dad too! Strongly rooted in Christ, he has taught me by his life and his words. The family prayer time, has been the blessed time I had ever known since childhood. I can safely say, that I got saved in living room, years ago, as a kid. His daily dosage of mission stories, anecdote, his childhood stories, has laid a strong foundation in Christ. To know, that Dad is calm amidst the storm, is so reassuring and sometimes, very unnerving!  

I have wonderful brothers, to fight, to argue, to discuss, to blame, to admire, to be proud of, to punch and to get punched.  


I thank God for an amazing, exciting, beautiful, too wonderful childhood! 

Be at it, Beat it !!

I was a voracious reader then. Ready to devour any books I can lay my hands on. I had a friend at school, and she always beat me reading any novel.  I must have been in Class 8, when our neighbor lent me the book by Norman Vincent Peale. The power of positive thinking. I guess that paved a good foundation in my childhood.

 

So when I heard it again at office last week, I was intrigued. Be at it, Beat it. It was a session by a Police officer. I was all ears.  So what did he say?

 

Breathe in positive and breathe out the negative.  You can't keep seeding, but have to do the weeding.  Only positive cannot survive for long, but the conscious effort of removing the negative, must be at work, to effectively live.

 

It was quite interesting.  He gave the acronym All time Meditation for ATM, and asked us to practice in anyway the VAKUM - Visual,Audio,Kinethetics,Understanding,Modeling.

He also talked about how our soceity has built its foundation on SPI - Substance, Performance and Image, whereas it should be IPS, making your foundation on belief, character, attitude and then comes Performance ( skill) and then the Substance( Money etc). That leads to "Be more, Do more, have more. "

and so here's some of the tantra. 

Be calm, Beat Anger

Be strong, beat weakness.

Be joyful, beat sorrow.

Be successful, beat failure

Be selfcontrolled, beat smoking.

SMACK@#$!@%

I remember seeing a cartoon picture on a book, some 10 years ago. It had a pretty smiling face of a boy in his early 20s. Like an angel, he has a halo around his head. He has a big grin, kind loving eyes, cheerful cheek and a pleasant, gentle handsome face.

In the next picture, there is a hammer on his head which has ‘TEST’ written on it. SMACK! The impact of the hammer on his head makes him scowl. SMACK! SMACK! You can see the pain in his eyes. SMACK! He is yelling now. A big smack at that I guess.

The third and final picture, shows the same boy, but his face is dark. With eyes glaring, and eyebrows hostile, gritting his teeth, and fumes from his ears. His hair stands straight out. His face seems bellowing from the picture.

Transition from Beulah to Meulah I guess. Will Beulah survive the test?

I corithians 9:26,27
Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

Flint Stones

I love Flintstones! Fred, Barney and especially Wilma.

Just last week, I came across a phrase 'their hearts were hard as flint' and that's when I looked it up. Flint is hard, much harder than bronze that they used it as knives in olden days.

I always thought hard hearts are those which are ARROGANT, PROUD and STUBBORN. ohhhh...Not me. I am not like that.

But you know what, sometimes hard hearts are slowly formed. It takes lot of time. When you don't get your way, you could be silent, and composed, but if you don't treat it, it slowly makes your heart hard. Hard as flint. Once harder, it is difficult to penetrate, melt or break. You get it?

The struggle to keep it soft, simple and light is difficult. You should forgive instantly, forget immediately, you should not pile it up, but instantly remove it from your mind. Its kinda funny. You can't take instant decision, and neither can u process it for too long. The former would be reckless, the latter could end up being vengeful, which is worse.

What did Jesus do? Did anyone encourage him, love him, thanked him, understood him ( for the right reasons?) He came to serve and not to be served. That stops the loose talk.

To 'die to self' everyday, every moment is hard, but it is important not to pile up regrets, anger or fear. Remember you are one step closer to becoming a flint. FlintStone :)

Remembering the sufferings on the cross, helps. 'Don't let your heart be hardened.. Don't let your love grow cold... May it always stay so childlike - may it never grow too old... ' Love this Petra song :)

Zechariah 7:11,12 “But they refused to pay attention; stubbornly they turned their backs and stopped up their ears. 12 They made their hearts as hard as flint and would not listen to the law or to the words that the LORD Almighty had sent by his Spirit through the earlier prophets. So the LORD Almighty was very angry.