IF...

Watched 10,000 BC on TV today. Weird they put it on Christmas day. But found something similar. A prophesy being fulfilled in the hero of the story, who saves many tribes.

Now, back to the hero of Christmas, what IF we did not have Christ? No hope of eternal life, no joy, no love, no saviour. God would have been a distant mighty force or energy, angry and so very remote.

But with the birth of Jesus, things changed. For he has given us the authority to call GOD, the Almighty God 'the FATHER', to understand His fatherly love for us. In Jesus, we have the priviledge to relate to Him, in our pain, sorrow, loneliness, failure and betrayal. Through his Spirit, he just dwells with us!

What a wonderful gift! The FREE gift, which gives us the freedom to live abundantly! Yipppee!

The woman of my life

I wrote this in 2006, for the Women's day Contest in my prior office. It won a Rs 200, gift voucher and 2 tickets to any movie, I wanted to. (I never redeemed it. :( )

She is my love
We share same flesh and blood
She is my strength
My power unleashed
I am proud she is mine

She can feel my pain
My joy, anger and strength
She can speak my thoughts
My secrets, likes and dislikes
I am proud she is mine

She understands my feelings
My frustration, excitement
She knows my dreams
My wants and passion
I am proud she is mine

Beautiful is her hair
I shall always admire
Sweet is her smile
I'll try to imitate
Yup! she’s my mom

I’ve seen her work tirelessly
From sunrise to sunset
Without resentment or bitterness

I’ve seen her fight back her tears
Shoulder responsibility
Care for neighbors

I’ve seen her inner strength
To fight terminal disease
To undergo pain and hardship

I’ve seen her love unconditionally
To love others more than herself
To sacrifice and to forgive

I’ve seen her give relentlessly
Hope, joy and strength
Freedom and love.

Now, I see that she has built in me
A good handwriting,
A good character!

I am proud I am hers!

Mom loved every word of it, and pestered Dad so much, to get it framed! She took pride in showing it off to every single person, who visited home, to such an extent, that I felt awkward the moment she turned her attention to the framed pic. But now am glad, really glad, that I wrote what I felt then.

Thank you!

I know, we are well past the Thanksgiving, so I was as intrigued as you, when a friend of mine posed this question after work today. 'When do you say thanks?' . We replied, that it was when we are happy, or when we have got something/some favor.

He then asked us, when did Jesus say thanks. When did Jesus say thanks? Did he say it? Yes, he did. He thanked for every food, for 5 loaves- 2 fishes, he thanked when Lazurus was in the tomb.

Strange isn't it? He has thanked BEFORE the big events. Not after. We do after. What made him say thanks well before? He knew for sure, what was going to happen.

How much faith do we have on what's gonna happen in 2010? Do we have the same assurance and faith to say thanks well beforehand?


1Thess 5:18give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
Phil 4:6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God

I thought I loved Ratatouille!

It was monday morning and our maid/cook had not turned up. I hurriedly cooked breakfast for dad and bro. Idly, chutney. I brushed my teeth and got back into kitchen only to find, 1 idly missing. There were scratch marks on almost all the idlies. The missing one, was on the floor. I was stunned. I got so mad. I looked around nothing.

I remembered Ratatouille, and it dint make me feel a wee bit better. I trashed all of the Idlies and started all over. I was running late. My anger was rising. I couldn't grasp the fact, that I am redoing stuff, and I probably would be late for office, due to one dumb rat! And to know, he would have that much courage to get his mouth into the food, I had just prepared! What does he think of himself? How could he? In my kitchen! Yuck!!

I was still mad, as I briefed about it to dad, and bro. They were shocked too. In my hurry, I dropped 1 idly on the floor.. and it went flat, just like the first one. There were other marks too, due to the plate on the dough that had risen, and made rough marks. Could it be? Huh.. I have no idea.. Dad dint comment, but he only said, there are no rodents around in kitchen.

Strange, how something can shoot up my anger in an instant. Funny, how I can fall for something so silly!

Monster within me...

No, I am not talking about Meulah here. 'Monsters within me' was a program on Discovery Channel, which I saw the other day. It was about a guy whose brain was half dead due to a germ. Numerous scans, tests, medicines lead to nothing. Doctors struggle to find the cause, and the cure.

Finaly they get to realise that the germ had entered him, due to a food poison. They track the food to a restaurant, where the guy and his friends ( 9 students in all) had had a sumptuous dinner, the last night of their study trip. Ask me, what they ordered. You'll be surprised. It was through salad, that they contacted this deadly germ. ( Rat lungworm)

Salad, that we consider as the natural, healthy food! Well, I couldn't bring myself to watch the rest of the program. The disease that has no cure. Yickes.From a seemingly harmless 'salad'!

'There, but for the grace of God, go I'

Just once more...

The last line of Mom's epitaph reads "Jesus died and rose again, So will we!" If I don't believe this, I have no hope. If I don't believe in eternal life after death, I need not read Bible. She's not 'gone'. But she's next door*; She has left to her home, just like, how I leave office, to reach home.

Yet, I have this overwhelming wave over me every now and then,

I miss Mom's tasty dishes,
I wish I remember all her recipes.

I miss Mom's kisses everyday;
I wish I can hug her one more time.

I miss Mom's smell/voice at home;
I wish I can wipe my face in her saree.

I miss Mom's scoldings;
I wish I understood her better.

I miss Mom's pretty smile;
I wish I can see her laugh and giggle.

I miss Mom's stories;
I wish I learnt all the songs she sang.

I miss holding Mom's hand.
I wish I can lie on her lap, just one more time.

I miss Mom's goodnight;
I wish I wake up to see her next to me.

As I long and struggle forward, I re read what a friend wrote to me.
“You can shed tears that she is gone;
or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back;
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her;
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday;
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone;
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,be empty and turn your back;
Or you can do what she'd want:smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

I can long and struggle trudging forward;
Or I can enjoy trusting, and practising what I believe in.

It's not the emotional self control, that will take me through. But the strength that He gives me in hugging me every single day to see me through.

Psalms 84 : 7, 5
7 They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion.
5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
*Next door. If she's in the next room, I can't see her, but she's there, ain't it?

Note to a friend

Rummaging through my room, found this old note, a copy that I had actualy written to a co-worker on her bday card. ( dated back in 2003)

Dear Valarmathi,
In all you do put God first, He will direct you and crown your efforts with success. Proverbs 3: 6.

Let Him have all your worries and cares, for He is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you. I Peter 5:7.

For He understands us and knows what is best for us at all times. Ephesians 1:8b.

That is why we can say without any doubt or fear, 'The Lord is my helper and I am not afraid of ANYTHING that mere man can do to me. Hebrews 13:6.

God bless you on this new year!

With love and prayers,
beul

Counting...

3 fishes in our fish tank ( aquarium) died one after the other on 3 consecutive days - just the week after mom left us. She often used to complain, that none of us fed the fishes as regularly as her. We did try. The next morning, I rushed to our fish tank and counted the number of fishes. Thank God nothing was floating. It became a habit from that day onward.

Last week, two, 2 year old gold fishes died for no reason. Mom's favorite fairy tailed fishes. May be they missed mom badly as us. I have decided not to count them every morning. What am I trying to do? Count and keep them alive?

How long do you think, you and I can live on this earth? Max 100 years? I can see you laughing. Ok, max 50 or 40 years? Well, how best can I leave this earth? Enoch, and Elijah of the Bible are the only ones I knew who were taken away to heaven 'jst like that'. Other than that, what are the other ways of reaching the other side? Quick as in an accident? Or slow as in a sickness? Sounds bleak. But that’s the reality. It’s no use thinking about that, but to enjoy each and every day of what we got and make it worthwhile.

Psalms 90:12 Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom

Difference?

"Come soon. We are waiting". "Are you coming?" Is there a difference between the two sentences? Yes, the tone, and the situation in which it is told does matter too. In the internet world, how about this. " hi" and "Hi! :) " See the difference? I've realised, that of all the things, one's mood is contagious. Meaning, I can spread boredom or energy. Irritation or excitement. Indifference or belonging. Poison or be a medicine in any relationship. Mom used to say about my face being a Coffee pot or a Tea pot.

In 2002, I had been to Gangaram, a popular book store in Bangalore with my friend. I don't remember what we picked, but all I remember is as I stood near the cash counter, the cashier, a 40-50 year old, looked at me and said, 'You have a beautiful smile'. You bet I was smiling the rest of the day and beaming the entire week! Even now, when I remember that incident, I can't help smiling, what a complete stranger can do to lift up my spirits even after all these years!

Acts 14:2 Poisoning of minds
Colossians 4: 6aLet your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt
1 Thess 4:11Therefore encourage one another and build each other up.

Comparison.. <>!

I have 2 naughty brats as nephew. However hard I try not to, I endup comparing their behaviour either good or bad. I have 3 brothers, and not even once have I heard my mom compare them. I haven't seen her compare anything/anyone for that matter. Be it in cleaniness, behaviour, studies, friends, relatives, our house, neighbours, our pets, our vehicle, our way of living, anything.

In this world where everything is relative, Logical, physical or emotional, its a wonder how she had no 'greater than', 'lesser than', 'shorter than', 'better than' or any superlative. I think it shows the strength of character. To see above the obvious and to treat everything/everyone unique, and with respect and accept them as they are.

When would I learn that?!

2 Corinthians 2 : 12a " When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise. "
17 "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord"

A Curse.

At church today, I saw a 3 year old kid, falling on him mom, hugging and kissing her left, right and center. It was so beautiful. But I wonder, after 20 years, will he sit by her, will he atleast hold her hands? Weird..

Oct 1st was Elder's day, and our church message revolved around that. HONOUR them, LEARN from them, and KEEP them happy. I learnt that it was a curse, not to have an elderly person at home! ( 1 Samuel 2: 31 ) Weird!

I guess parents are the only ones on earth we take for most granted. Their unconditional love. But it includes our aunts, uncles, in-laws as well. Weird.

I know many good friends, who stay far from home. They cook so well now, that they can entertain their friends with a feast! But have they ever entered kitchen, and helped their mamma? I also have friends, who have quit their job, to take care of their parents.

Elders sure turn into babies. They cant walk much, talk much, eat much,see or hear much. They cannot be still, neither can they understand us nor our world.Weird.

May God open our eyes, to see the value of our elders in our life. Lets HONOR them. Lets cherish them.

Exodus 20:12 'Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you '

Wise words

'No matter how much you earn, you can eat only 2 idlies. You can't eat 10 idlies, if you earn 10,000 a day. Can you? '

'All I ask of God is to help me live a pure ( holy) life. For others, I pray for their salvation. I don't ask God, for my needs. I just fix my eyes on Him. He is my Heavenly Father. He knows. He provides'

'I love giving God, by spending less for myself. I reduce my needs and wants, and I give that saving to God, which gives me immense pleasure, than the regular 20% tithe, I give to the Lord.'

Wise? Oh yes, these words were from the doctor, who took care of mom past few months.

Death.

I know it is such a gloomy title, but I want all of us to just shake it off, for afterall it is inevitable.

I remember even as a kid, when dad is confronted about his daily medicines, irregular eating habits, frequent travel, he always says 'Vaazhlvadhu sila vaara kaalam'- meaning 'few more weeks to live'. He talks as a matter of fact, and the phrase has been a household phrase which stuck for years now.

May be that had prepared us enough last week, so as to know, that death is gonna take us nextdoor, to a heavenly place, full of joy, running around, dancing, and lot of singing. Just without any pain, food, hardship. A more permanent place, than the present which is so temporary.

If that’s the case, am I ready? Ready to leave behind my friends, family. Have I told how much I love them, how much I appreciate their being in my life. Have I asked for forgiveness for my Meulah words/activities, have I reconciled with everyone. Have I obeyed my parents, elders? Have I taken care, cherished my family and friends? Have I used all my talents? Have I forgiven, Am I holding grudge or hurting anyone?

I am ready. Are you?

Standing Ovation

The hands that taught me to hold a glass/a pen, couldn't hold anything. The legs that walked me to School, couldn't even stand. The eyes that had a sparkle to it, was tear filled and half open. The mouth which taught me to talk, couldn't utter a word. The hands that had fed me, couldn't eat. It looked like my mom was in a total mess past week, but the courage she had showed for the past 11 years in fighting a terminal disease was above awesome.

She always had a smile for everyone. A hug and a kiss just when it is needed! She went one step ahead to help everyone, which is weird. She always appreciated little things in life, the flowers, the grass, the birds. She was so humble and behaved alike to everyone. She could never hold a grudge. She always forgave quickly and forgot the past. She motivated and encouraged with her powerful words, in season and out. She never got tired telling anyone what God had done for her, again and again and again and again. She found joy in everything around her. She had no enemies. She lived THE life, rather than setting rules for us to live. Her care and love for others was unconditional. She never expected anything back.

She was a miracle who taught me positive living, Christ centered in everyway. She lived as per her name. 'Amirtha' means goodness that keeps springing without getting dry. Yes, her love for her family, her friends, her collegues, her students, her neighbours, shopkeepers, maids, everyone who had seen her, had a story to tell. There were about 2000+ floating crowd to see her finaly. It was hard to see her still and stone cold, but I wonder, how big and huge the grand finale was when she entered Heaven. The bride meets the groom. I bet she got a standing ovation for putting on the good fight, and a steadfast faith.


"You welcomed her with rich blessings and placed a crown of pure gold on her head.
She asked you for life, and you gave it to her— length of days, for ever and ever."
Psalms 21:3-4
"I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith"
2 Timothy 4:7

Gratitude!

If you had read my prev blogs, you would know, that to cheer myself up, I often look at the skies, the shapely clouds, moon, bright flowers, swaying trees and even ripe tomatoes! They make me realise how wonderful the Creator is mindful of small things.

I realised last week, that if I have eyes, which don't need a specs/contact lens, or ears that dont need a hearing aid, nose which don't need oxygen mask or any help of inhalers, a mouth with no false teeth or an ulcer, a hand that has no shooting pain, a leg that needs no crutches or a swollen knee, a heart with no hole, or when I have no headache or when I am not taking any injections, when I am not taking ANY tablets, or when I have never stepped into a hospital for a month or so ( for me or my loved ones) I can be SUPER EXCITED! Instantly! :)

Breath of life

In our culture, the child sleeps with the mother till he/she is old enough for a separate room. I being the youngest, and being the only girl in the family and born when my mom was 40 years old, slept beside her till now.

I remember as a kid sleeping with my hand on her, I used to try match my breathing with hers. Hold my breath to exhale and inhale to go with the same rhythm.
Mom had breathing trouble and last week, as I was sitting by her bedside, watching her breathe through the oxygen mask, I tried to match mine with hers. It was erratic and I couldn't even last for few seconds.

Made me realise, how easily we take for granted the way we breathe? A nose with 2 holes, and the air, which we can't even see. But that's the only key to the life that holds us togethar, and how grateful we should always be.

I did have the priviledge to see my mom's breathing gradualy slow down, and as she breathed her last, well fought yet a peaceful one leaving the world for the Heavenly appointment.

Troublesome 3

What do I/we think about, on any given moment? Either about what happened, or what is going to happen. Past and future. I live my present, thinking on the past and planning for the future.

But there is a trap involved. REGRET of the past- results in guilt, discouragement and FEAR of the future- results in anxiety and depressing mood. The resuly is WORRY of the present! Troublesome three, aren't they? From small issues to big.

But the fun part is I don't have any control over both the past and the future! :P And the present goes for a toss!

The cure? Well, thanking and praising God for whatever ( good or bad ) I think of the past and thanking and praising for all His promises for my future, makes me live an abundant life everyday! For the focus shifts from me to Him.

Isaiah 43:18 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past"
Jeremiah 29:11"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
John 10:10B '..I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. '

Unless you become like...

I walked into our living room after a good afternoon nap. My eyes popped out. The room was in absolute mess! The newspaper was strewn all over the room. Books, wires, balls, toys, the chairs toppled over and in the opposite corners. It looked like a whirlwind had swept right across the room.
I turned around to see a bundle of dynamite running toward me. Yep, it is our 15mth old superman, Adam. Everything reachable to his height, and more were in danger. He can climb chairs, and pull mixee, laptop, telephone, books, bottles. Anything accessible. I stopped rearranging things after 2 minutes, realising it was a futile effort. I fell into our couch completely drained after running around for 10 minutes with him. He looked at me with a look that could be intepreted 'You got tired?? ' Huh! where does he get that much energy?

There's my other 'terror' nephew, Kevin, a 4 year old, and hyperactive kid. He's tall for his age, and so lean, that when jumps into your lap, his bones poke you real hard. His prayers are admirable. He starts 'Thank you Jesus, we went for shopping today. Dad got me a toy car, we all had chicken,..' and goes on to say the entire day events, and ends with 'God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, and so on'. I can't resist opening my eyes when he prays. He's so expressive and beautiful with all the minute details.

Am planning to keep this blog open, to write all they do ;)

My brother's family had gone on an vacation to a hill station. They had hired Toyota INNOVA, and were going up the winding roads, when suddenly Kevin perked up, asked aloud, " So is this Noah thatha's car? " ( Thatha- Grand dad) It took couple of minutes for my bro to understand, what he meant. When they had talked abt Innova, he had imagined it was Noah from the Bible, and that this was his car! The way kids relate everything! Guess I've got lot of things to learn!

Another time, my brother had gone for shopping with Kevin. Kevin eyed a toy and was pestering my bro to buy it. My bro had said, ' I don't have enough money for this' and whisked him away. Later that night, during family prayer, Kevin's prayers went this way. He thanked Jesus, and told the entire day events and ended with, Jesus, give dad enough money. Amen. Next morning, at office my bro was amazed to see an email sitting on his inbox talking about Bonus for him! Two weeks earlier, the entire company, had received a circular saying that due to economic depression, there will be no promotions, bonus, overtimes for the next one year. God loves kids?

This is funnier! My bro's family were travelling to India the next day. The kids were so excited and that night during family prayer with all the energy Kevin goes 'Thank you Jesus,......' We are all going to Chennai. Are you coming too?" Here he had paused briefly, as in a telephonic conversation, and then said 'Okay. God bless Mommy.... Amen' I don't know if he heard back, or what was in his mind, coz no one had taught him to pray that way ( except for my bro telling him, prayer is to talk what he wud to his dad)

Best Fit!

For all those Engineering graduates, this must ring a bell. First year of College, we have a class on 'Carpentry' which includes Metal filing as well. Remember the joints? The dove tail joint, Tee joint, Mortise tenon joint? Well if you chip away a 1-2 mm wood off the measurement, you'll have to do away with it, and start all over. Same with filing a metal.

I never understood why we had to hammer a wooden block or file a metal to perfection as an Engineer, but it was the only breather class and we did have fun inspite the bruises, cuts, bleeding we acquired during that hour.

Well after all these years, I understood the meaning, over a cup of coffee with a good friend this morning. She was chatting about finding the life partner, and this is what she said, 'its not what you want, or what the other person wants, but what God wants." Till then you will be chipped off, filed to make the perfect best fit.

Isn't it strange, that Jesus chose carpentry as his profession?!!

".. Isn't this the carpenter?.. " Mark 6:3

Heal the wound

Only recently I’ve started growing finger nails. I have long fingers, so I think it looks good. But the problem starts when I scratch, scractttch any small blisters in my skin and make it worse. So to prevent myself from harming my skin, I do either of the following. One. I pretend, and make a conscious effort not to think about it. Two. I apply some medicine on the blistered skin to heal.

But at times, both things don’t work out, and I end up scratching and peeling the skin off. I guess, that’s what most of us do, to make a bad situation worse. We either THINK or TALK about the situation, which is like putting a tooth pick on a wound and digging it, so the wound/hurt is fresh in our minds.

Still wanna dig? or let it heal?

"whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
Philippians 4:8

Pretty lips!

Me and my bro have always fought on who resembles mom, dad the most. Bro has mom's coarse thick hair. I have dad's silky and mom's long hair. We all have huge long dad's fingers and toes. I have mom's scanty eyebrows. Bro has dad's voice, and I have mom's. I love bittergourd like dad. Bro has belly like dad. I have dad's eyes. I can go on.. You may be surprised, but we have even measured the length/height/width of our noses, ears and lips and the fight just intensifies!

Last week, I got mad at my bro. Mom has beautiful lips and a very cute smile.And none of us inherited it! We all got Dad's big lips, but here he ( bro) was, biting more than half his lips ( I should say 70%) and then making a statement claiming that he has mom's pretty lips! We had a pretty good fight!

All said and done, but it makes me wonder now, how much of mom, dad's character we have inherited? Their sweetness, strength, patience, love, or atleast their orderliness??
Now, here comes the bigger question, how much of character I own from my big dad??

"..the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control" Galatians 5:22-23

Vanity!

I almost lost all my blogs on Yahoo 360’ last week. I had not checked my yahoo mails, and hence the notification, that it was getting closed down. I had not taken the back up.

Yahoo 360’ contained my earlier blogs, before the blogspot. It was meant for my eyes only. Not that, it had private details, but just that I had not trusted the webworld with my personal life details then. It contained musings of my tete-a-tete with strangers I met on the way/friends/colleagues. Since I have a memory which I never trust and a history of losing diaries/stuffs, I had believed that something on the web will be ‘forever’ and never lost.

That got shattered that day. Nothing, absolutely nothing in this world can be ‘forever’. (PS: I did get hold of all my blog script. Thank God!)

I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and, behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit.Ecclesiastes 1:14

Vision

'Wow, how beautiful our flooring is!' exclaimed my mom yesterday. I looked at her strangely. We have been in the same house for 9 years now. What’s so special now? She continued with similar statements on everything she eyed on,- curtains/dresses/bro’s painting/book covers. It was weird.

She had had her eye ( cataract) surgery last week and ever since her eyes had healed, she has been ending all her sentences with exclamations. She is so very excited at everything around her and closes her right and left eye alternatively, to see the magnitude of difference the operated eye can make. It had made me and my bro, consider having our eyes checked!

It is kinda strange. It is the same eye. Same things. But what a difference the removal of cataract had made. Ought to have my eyes checked. In the way I see people/things and situation!

II Kings 6:17 And Elisha prayed, "O LORD, open his eyes so he may see." Then the LORD opened the servant's eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.

Psalms 119:18 Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in your law

Forgive and forget.

If you had known me personally ( or professionally) you would have known, how good my memory serves. I forget names, dates, places, faces, numbers so quickly that I don't even care anymore to ask for it, coz I know I wont remember. It is real bad, when I forget close friends names or their birthdays. It has gotten so worse, that the other day I stopped mid sentence, while talking to Finance HR. My mind went blank and I stared at him. Why am I here, and what was it that I was talking about??

I have had lot of embarassing moments. so you can very well understand my hatred for my memory. But lately, I have been happy about it. Well, the reason is, as I can't remember, I don't remember any bad things. That includes, any past hurt, anger, fights, or any heartbreaks. So I have no enemies. :P

But there is a small catch to it, and I guess, that's why I cannot remember a single bad thing in my life. My 11th std teacher insisted that 'forgiveness' always comes before forgetting. The phrase 'Forgive and forget' comes in the same order, and never viceversa. That got rooted I guess, so the sooner I forgive, bounce and move away from it, all that remains is good old memories! :)

But here's the best lesson I learnt from a friend, who told the difference between 'forget' and ' remember no more'. The former happens by mistake, and the latter is deliberate effort not to remember.

"For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more" Hebrews 8:12

"Burnt chicken"

That was a comment made by my close friend/collegue. We were in a really bad situation. Things were going awry, from bad to worse, and we had no say. Everything was happening quickly and in the wrong direction. The team was becoming the scapegoat.

I told my friend, that we were facing the heat, but we will come out as gold refined in fire. He replied, 'Beulah, do you know what happens to chicken if it is put in too much of heat?'. We laughed. This was 2 years back. I wouldn't say it was a happy ending, but definitely we dint get burnt.

Its the toughest, when you are on fire, when there is no possible wayout, and nothing solid to hold on to. But the only comfort is that, the one who is holding you in fire, is watching over you intently, without slumber. Afterall, it is his apple of the eye, who is on fire!

Deserving Nothing...

This is controversial. I still have not come to terms with it completely.

In life, it is normal to raise our voice to ask or question, make a plan, fight for our rights, strive for what we believe in. For what we deserve. Be it our right,a job, education, house, a car, or a cell phone, or a proper attire! At work, it is my seniority, my experience, my role. At home, it is just being me, deserves all I have.I deserve to be loved, understood, to be respected, to be accepted.... The list is endless.

But did/do I deserve a loving family, good brothers, a happy childhood, a good education, a good neighbourhood, a not so problematic state, country, good friends, good health (good eyesight, a functioning heart, walking legs.....) , a good job, a roof over my head and all that I have ? Do I deserve all I have, and more?

My answer to the above question, is I realise a blunt NO, as I see our maid walk in, she is my age too. And so here's the ghastly truth. I deserve nothing. Absolutely nothing. It is only by the pure grace of God, I am what I am.

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. ....—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me. 1 Corinthians 15:10

Feelings

I learnt this lesson when I was 13. It was a girls camp, with the sunsetting on the beach, we huddled togethar, listening to Uncle Herbert as he taught us an important aspect of life.

'Don't trust your feelings', he said. Never, ever! 'Especialy for girls', he added. I am feeling sick, I am feeling tired, I am feeling sleepy. Remove 'feel' from the previous sentence. It makes proper sense.

Makes a lot of sense, coz feelings are not true. They play us around. They fool us into believing that, it is true. Its easy to be all tangled up, tied and cornered by our own feelings. Feelings of anger, hatred, jealousy, pain, just lock us up in a box, blocking us from going ahead, growing high and above.

At times, it is important to move ahead, inspite of all odd situations, inspite of what people say, and even what we feel. Faith sees beyond the obvious. Feelings mislead.

"We live by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7
Guard your heart. Prov 4.3.

Thrill

I love my bike and as I sit on it, and let the engine reverbate, I feel the power, the energy of something wild and strong under me, under my power, waiting to be unleashed. The smoothness of it, as it glides with vrooom, vrooooom all under the twist of my palm, as it accelarates, the thumping is glorious.


Thrill kills. It is a thin line.The wind blowing on your face. The hair fluttering in the wind. The buzzing of the wind on your ear. The tears dripping of your eyes coz of the speed. It gets the better of you and you zwing, zwang, and get past vehicles in a zap, and it becomes a joy ride in jiffy.

I now understand, what Eve must have felt in the garden. The thrill of it. Harmless for sure, but at what cost?

Taking the backseat...

Zzzzz.. That's how my friend slept, on that long drive in the back seat. I don't think any of us knew the venue, where we were heading, except Mike and Beth. It was a long journey.

Rolando was sleeping like a baby. He dint care, if Mike was taking the correct route. He wasn't worried if we may get lost. He wasn't anxious that we may run out of fuel. Or worried if Mike would skip a signal, or drive rashly. Nor was he scared he would get kidnapped ( Rolando is a kid at heart! ;) ) He wasn't even afraid of any drunkard on road, hitting our car. He slept soundly.

I learnt a lot about 'TRUST' that day. AND, the difference in being driver's seat, or the seat next to it and at the back seat. Where are you seated now? Where do you like to be?

Mark 4: 37, 38a 37A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. 38Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion.

The Green eyed monster!

I have never been envious in my life so far. Not on anyone/anything. I just brush it off. Or so, I thought.

I got bowled over last week. I had such jealousy, that it boiled and made me bitter all over. I was spilling it over on my looks, my words, my thoughts, and so on my actions, and what not! I feel embarassed to accept it, and even to share it, but it has just humbled me and made me realise, I am so easily susceptible to envy/anger/hatred. Its just under my nose!

It all started when I reached home, after 4 months. I had loads of stories to tell, and no one was ready to listen. My favorite name, was used else where. You may find it irritating, but that's the truth. I was mad at my 10mth old nephew, Adam. A Superman, by nature weighing 13.5 kg and so very adorable and cute, that he captures everyone's heart and basks in the limelight.

I still find it hard. It is a biting truth that humbles me to surrender my 'self' every moment on the cross and take a dip in his love or risk Meulah growing into a monster in a jiffy!

Getting into the groove...

Disclaimer: This is a personal note, just for me. It contains minor stuff, which are silly. So plz skip it.

I hate change with all my heart. But in 4months, I have had a rollercoaster ride, in all aspects, and I have enjoyed it. Now, as I un-learn lot of things, to get back to my old normal life, I look back to see what I saw different ..physically, emotionally, spiritually.... Here I go!

Getting back to an(my) apmt with no furniture, no bed, and no tv, no one to talk to, but fastest internet, I've ever seen. Drinking water from the tap. Wearing socks and shoes everywhere. Eating with fork( No spoon!). Milk from a bottle. Tea/rice/pappad from the microwave. Coke, with a glass full of ice. No water, but just tissues in the lu. Tubs and no buckets. Freeway, lanes, complex bridges,rules followed to the book. No one to talk to, in my own native tongue. Unlimited cool drinks in all restaurants. Food that would cost to treat for the entire family, you have on yr plate. Everyone smiles. In the parking lot, in the elevator, in the park! Walk in the park next to my apmt. The walk over the road, on a single trail bridge. The bright sunny day,yet with the cold shivering wind. You never sweat. Wild flowers by the roadside. Cars that are so comfy. ( I was shocked to see our car, back home. It seems shrunken!!). Walgreen, Kroger, Walmart, Target- just seem to have everything under the sun. Ice tea, pizzas,burgers, hot dogs,cream, cheese, chips,meat, salads are so common. The long walk to the church in 40F (4 deg C). The hugs. The no -hunt for a seat in a packed church. Shirts and pants -loved it!. Hair let loose( Cousin itt), and never braided....You drive everywhere. No bus, no train, no powercut, no dust, clean air, clean roads , no messy traffic jams, no crowded trains/buses... no flowers on hair..there are many more....

The only one that never changed was my God. He was/is the same.

The power of Hug!

I was caught offbalance, when the tall handsome and talkative pastor gave me a hug, the first day I was at his Church, to be precise within 15 mins of meeting him/entering into the church.

For someone, who comes from a culture, where even a handshake with the opp sex is not that welcome, a hug was way too weird. During the service, when he again told the entire congregation to steal a hug, it was a surprise, to see everyone standing in the aisle to 'steal' a hug, with all. It was strange to be touched and loved by strangers, who I was just seeing the first time!

A Hug has a healing touch. It I believe 1. lays down your own defenses 2.With open arms, invites (ie) says I accept you, as you are,not caring abt yr religion/culture or race. And this I believe is ONLY possible, when you have God in you to give it.Remember the prodigal story? A love ( I love you)embrace. A healing touch, which touches your soul and soothens your heart and reaches beyond your longings and desires. Oh what joy to be held in loving embrace. I enjoy being hugged and giving hugs now.

So God hugged me, through strangers(His family), to let me know that He cares, He loves and is crazy about me and that I am never lost from His sight. Yup, am a hugster now!

Give and take!

When I hate people, they hate me back. When I am angry, people are angry. When I am irritated, people are irritated and touchy. when I am proud, people are always proud themselves.When I get mad, people are mad around me. When I backbite, people backbite at me. When I gossip, people gossip around me. It works this way ALL the time.( AND vice versa too! )

When I smile, people smile back. When I am kind, people are kind.When I am gentle, people are gentle to me. When I help others, people help me. When I am humble, people are humble themselves. When I love people, people love me back. Not applicable with most people. It sounds farfetched. But if I do it, without expectation, it WORKS! I have learnt that, that's how God treats us. ALWAYS with UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. And He never gives up on me!

So when I get a frown, for my smile/ a proud look, when I am humble/hatred and anger and a crude look, when I love them, its OKAY. I need to show/reflect a piece of God's unconditional love. I should smile/be gentle/be kind/be humble/love, not because I love them, but because God loves them a LOT.

Above all...

I saw this interesting T-shirt on 2 elderly people. It was inspiring. I wanted to show that to mom. Complete strangers. To ask or not to ask for a picture! I struggled. I loitered. I sat still for nearly 15 mins. I saw them leave. Oops! you let them go! I chided myself. I saw them again. Should I? I followed the man.

The man turned around. He was surprised. He also pointed, and said, that's Justin. I was talking to the granddad of the kid, who had leukemia when he was 6. That's his journey. I am glad that I walked over to talk to him. To see the fighting spirit of a family.And that of a child.

We had just finished our 3 mile walk arranged by the Big love Cancer Care in memory of Brooke, a child who passed away due to Leukemia 2 years ago.They were raising funds for the affected children.I looked around. There were kids playing, jumping around. There were stalls, games,food,families and friends like us.

I realised, above the fun, the laughter, there was pain, fear, suffering, the struggle, the fight, battle won/ongoing/lost. What is amazing is that, I could feel love, hope and faith reigning supreme.ABOVE ALL.

God bless those kids, the families, the doctors, the nurses, and all those who were there towards that 3 things in life for those kids.

Treasure Within!

If someone stabs me, I have 2 choices. stab back or just remain numb. The former results in 2 people getting hurt and wounded. The latter is just me. What do I normaly do? -Lesson from Mike' bro.

When in an argument, if I would step back and contemplate, what and why the other person is upset about, 'a thing, a someone, or a place' , I will realise, that its obviously because of the vaccum. They dont have what I have. My life is not dependent on ' a thing, a someone, or a place' !
Now that I know, what's missing, its time to help them see it in the right perspective. Way to do it is strip things down to the bare minimum and help them see the truth. ( The process gets you to reflect love all over) - Lesson from Mike's boss.

I struggle with life, when I am not listening to Him. I wrestle my way(like the first week in Houston). When I work with Him, its a piece of cake! Not that you will have easy life. But the tough life/storm will be light . Matthew 11:30. -Lesson from Mike himself.

I have it all in me! He lives in me! Romans 8:9,Galatians 2:20;1 John 2:14;1 John 4:12. and I've got to release Him and not suppress him! The treasure within!

Gung Ho!

It caught my eye, as I was walking with my manager,across a book shelf in office. Gung Ho is Chinese for 'Working togethar' made as popular slogan during World War II, to mean "boundless energy, enthusiasm, energy and dedication applied to some task". Its a must read book, and for the benefit of those who don't read books, I am condensing the 170 page book here.

It's about a declining company, about to be shut down, and how the worker's 'Gung Ho' made the same company thrive and even make the White house appreciate their efforts. There are 3 steps, that you learn from watching the Squirrels, Beavers and the Geese.

Spirit of the Squirrels -Worthwhile work. 1. You make the world a better place, understanding not work; people not units.2. Have shared goals. Build TRUST.Say the truth.Goals which are understood and agreed upon, not forced.3. Values. Live your values.Values are the real boss.

Way of the Beaver- In control of achieving goals.1.Know your territory, role of each one clearly defined and let them play2.organisation allow and support people .Information should be shared. Value indivuduals as persons.3 give people challenging job.A fair day job. Not more.not less..else u demean them

Gift of the Goose-Cheering each other on.1.Active/Passive congratulations must be TRUE. (Timely, Responsive, Unconditional, Enthusiastic2.Cheer the progress, not just the end. It should be spontaneous, individual,specific and unique rather than programmed, blanket,general or traditional .3.E=mc2 Enthusiasm equals mission times cash and congratulations.

It's a beautiful story. If our spirit dies at the office door, its hi time we follow the squirrels, beavers and the geese to have Gung Ho in our life. "Gung Ho, Friend."

The Candy desk !

I was new to the city, the team at work, the working environment, the people, not to mention the culture, the lifestyle, the weather, the food, the way people dress up and so much more. I was feeling lonely.

That's when the Candy did the trick. Right across my desk, was a table with 2 glass jars and a huge tray filled with colorful candies. No matter, how hard I tried, I couldn't find out how it got there and who ate it all. The tray was full and overflowing in the morning, and empty in the evening.

Unable to hold it any longer, I asked Therese, whose desk is across mine, about this. It was for everyone. So, that became my habit. I pick one new variety a day and that would be handful! ;) Boy, they are so delicious. It might sound weird, but there have been days, when I get up from bed in the morning, and hate going to work. That's when I remember the candy desk, and the exciting new flavours and taste. and then I get all pumped up to go to work!! :)

Talk about hope! Something to look forward to ;) God bless Therese for her love for SCIites. Every day, every week, all through the year. Drop in, to 1919 3rd floor. She won't fail you!

Btw, I had to come to terms with this. This is hope. Not expectations.

Hurricane Beulah!

I had gone to collect my package from the leasing office, when the person incharge asked for my name. The moment he heard it, he was aghast. He looked at me and said 'Beulah?' I said, 'Yeah..?'

I have heard people call me 'Beaulah, Boelah, Buleah, Bola', with a kind of weirdest look in the face, but this guy pronounced it right, but I couldn't figure out, what was wrong now...

'Do you know there was a hurricane by your name? ' Now it was my turn to be stunned. The leasing officer's house was blown away by it and he said, he cried. He was a stout, merry fellow. I din't believe a word of what he said. I said, I will look it up. I did and its true.

In 1967, Hurricane Beulah had stuck Texas. The Mexican coast had the highest 'category 5' hit. The loss was around $1Billion. It had the record highest of 115 Twisters spawned over Texas.

There's so much in this world, that I hardly know about! :(

Overwhelmed!

I don't find words to say, to what I feel. I know I speak like someone who is in love... I sure am. Am deeply, immersed and soaked, wet and drenched in love. Everywhere I see, I can't help but see miracles! Too wonderful to comprehend.. Its like being 'Princess'! Oh yeah, I sure am!!

It's never a second late, nor a second early. It's all happening exactly at the right time. It's like being constantly cared for, constantly watched, understood, felt, 24/7. Everything falls into place, as I step back and look. I see doors closed for a reason. Doors opening to venture out. I am enjoying this dance. I am loving this tune. Oh, how I feel secure and safe! Oh what a comfort and peace! Its just too amazing!

I pray, that I understand and live like this, till my last breath on earth and how I wish, everyone relish the same experience! Oh is this what 'Joy unspeakable' is? Whew!!

Meulah!

Yes, you read it right. It IS Meulah, my evil twin. I was christened at church on Friday, with that name... whenever she takes over me. So here's the deal. Call me Meulah, whenever you see me, stranger than I usualy am. ;) May be angry, irritated, or sad. That's not me. It's Meulah. Give her the due.. and I bet Beulah will be back the next minute! :))

Follow your heart

I was sitting in the conference room, with bunch of collegues listening to our engagement manager talk about the current IT trends, and our future growth with the present client.

I don't remember all that he said, but at the end, the statement he made, still echoes in my heart. He said "When I was in the University, they said, 'work with your brain', but after 10-15 years of experience, I understand, that it was wrong, it never works. Work with your heart. When you are passionate about anything, your heart, mind, body and soul work togethar in integrity towards it to achieve it. That's when the impossible becomes possible. "

I was kinda pleasantly surprised. To hear such a point blank truth from a board room.

'W'

I read this in my bro's Chevening British Scholar Guide for International Students. I bet he never read a sentence!

As per research, the 'W' is how you will feel/your mood will swing, when you get to any new place. You will first be excited to see the new place, meet new people, which will slowly be followed by loneliness, and you feel homesick. You then hit rock bottom in the first dip of the letter 'W'. Then you get along, get used to the change, you make friends, start liking the place and getting settled, you reach the second high in 'W'.

Here's the next downturn, you get back to your homeland, you miss the place you had just been. Miss the friends, the place, people, the lifestyle. Long for it. You hit the second rock bottom..Then you get used to the change, your old life, get settled and reach yr peak high.

I guess, it is applicable to any change a person might have in life. The challenge is never to stay long enough on any of the rock bottoms, but to bounce back with full strength, knowing a low will always have a high following.

Okie, am up on the second high.. and I know what to expect now :)

The ground rule

I was talking to a missionary. An american , who had lived 8 years in India, spending his life, energy, money, time and age for Indians, for whom he had the passion and love of Christ. I cannot sit and fathom, all that he had sacrificed, the big perspective shift, he put himself through, to understand the culture, life, language, food, and oh yeah, the weather!

It just drives me crazy, to know the extent a person could/would do, all for the love of Christ, forsaking comfort, pleasure, family, friends, security. Across seas and continents, in this present age! I praise God, for he still has the fire within, burning for Christ. Below, are his words, when I asked, how he brought himself to leave a country of freedom and opportunity, of safety and security, of pleasure and happiness, to a place which is the all opposite of America. Here's his reply.

"The baseline is, we all came from Adam, one blood line. It doesn't matter if you are an Indian, an american, any race/caste/language. All it matters, is that you are God's family. And we belong to the kingdom of God, to last forever."

Am still amazed.

In the background...

This is the time of the year, when we stretch late hours. The Year end processing(W2s, T4s), the Tax update,payroll issues, GL issues, the air is thick, and ‘the payroll dept’ is called ‘the panic dept’. Everyone is on the other’s nerves. Pointing fingers, blaming, racing against time,to meet the deadlines. Wuf !

We all needed a break, but it came all of a sudden, in the middle of hectic work, as the network went down. You can’t access anything on online. Basically, we all came to a grounding halt. With no news of when it will be rectified, we just lazed around. Its been 2 hours, of utter ‘no work’. I was sipping coffee, and looking out the busy road from the third floor, when I realised, that someone was working against the SLA’s to ensure that we got our network back. . Crazy, when I am relaxing, someone was brought in, with Critical priority, and was sweating it out, to ensure that we are back in business again.

If I can easily accept this fact that, though we don’t really see all things happening in the background, they are very much happening. I pick my tomatoes from the refrigerator, with no thoughts on how it grew, the hands it passed on, or its means to get there. If I can just blindly go by, why is it tough, to believe, that my all powerful God, has a plan and is working in the background for me and my future?

Elaborate details..

Our pastor, stuck the nail thru my head, when he taught us this. In Exodus, there is an elaborate detail, of how the tabernacle should be built. The kind of wood, length, breadth, width of the poles, tables, type of curtain, the altar, the ark, the lampstand. In DETAIL. I usualy skip through these passages.

Mike's friend, who had just started reading the Bible, loved reading this dreary passages! How? well, the way she saw it was, if God could have so much intent care and concern on the minute details of building a Tabernacle, how much more would he be interested in my life?

My walk/talk/sleep/food/dreams/aims/health/hair/desires/
longings whew! All that I need to do, is look upto him for detailed specifications ;)

The 80-20 principle

The 80-20, that I knew was on the Quality Management, that I learnt at work. The Pareto Chart/Rule states that ‘80% of the defects are caused by 20% of the causes. So by focussing on the 20 causes,you eliminate maximum defects.

Well, well, the other 80-20 that I just learnt, was the ultimate. An average person is 80% good. 20% bad. Before you critise/judge/fret about a person, stop. Can you can list his 80% of his goodness? If you can’t, then don’t go for his 20%!

Uncertainty.

All of us would have seen this in our lives. Where a kid is thrown up on the air, and caught by the beaming dad.

Does the kid, think about the force with which she'll hit the ground, the height from which she'll fall incase she's not caught, or does the kid think about what she'll eat for dinner, or what she'll be doing tomorrow, or the next week?? NO.

All that the kid does, is gaze at his dad's eyes and giggle. And probably ask for, 'one more time dad'. She enjoys the moment. The pure excitement, of not just being in the air, but being held by strong hands.

Well, as I see myself up there, I should not be thinking about what's gonna happen next, how will things work out, what ifs, buts, may be, may just not be. But should just enjoy being held by strong arms. The hands that has nutured me, protected and loved me like nothing on this world could ever match for. Am just fixing my eyes on him, and giggle and ENJOY being with him. Oh, the adrenalin pumping of going up in the air, with nothing inbetween my feet and the ground, with nothing to hold or grasp and the probability of may be thrown up the cliff, and hitting the rocks, or thrown up in the ocean and getting drowned... Huh WHO CARES. Am in safe arms.. I know my dad holds me tight and secure. The apple of the eye. printed in his palms. my lover of my soul. :)